Non-#Irish Husband

I have had two husbands. One was of Irish blood. The other is Italian-Bulgarian. I prefer the latter. One of the reasons is that he’s sober. The second is his sense of humor. That’s why I’ve stuck with him for 31 years. Last week, digging through computer files, I found this from him:


These are rules for my woman from Matt Restivo.

  1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You’re a big girl.  If it’s up, put it down.  We need it up; you need it down.  You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  2. Sunday = sports.  It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  3. Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  4. Crying is blackmail.
  5. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!
  6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That’s what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.
  9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
  10. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
  15. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.  Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.
  16. If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.
  17. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  19. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
  20.  You have enough clothes.
  21. You have too many shoes.
  22. I am in shape.  Round is a shape.
  23. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.Matt n Jeanne